The Weight You Carry Has a Name: Unforgiveness

 

Unforgiveness is one of the heaviest things a person can carry, and many of us carry it for so long and so consistently that we have forgotten it is there. We mistake its weight for character — as if the tightness around the injury, the readiness to be reminded of it, the periodic revisiting of what was done and what it cost, constitute a form of appropriate seriousness about the world. But what unforgiveness actually holds is us. It keeps us tethered to a moment we wish had never happened, spending present energy on a past event that cannot be changed by any amount of sustained attention.

This is not an argument for pretending that harm did not occur, or that the person who caused it does not bear responsibility for what they did. The work of accountability — both holding others to it and maintaining it in ourselves — is important and distinct from the work of forgiveness. What forgiveness addresses is not the question of what happened or who is responsible. It addresses the question of what you are going to do with it now, in your body, in your daily mental life, in the energy you bring to your present moments.

The evidence on what sustained unforgiveness actually does to the human body and mind is remarkable and somewhat alarming. Chronic resentment is associated with measurably elevated cortisol levels, compromised immune function, higher rates of cardiovascular disease, and significantly reduced wellbeing across almost every measure that has been studied. We hold grudges in our bodies. The anger that was originally a response to genuine harm becomes, over time, a source of ongoing harm to the person feeling it. The person who hurt you may have moved on entirely. The wound you carry in their honour is being felt only by you.

Forgiveness, properly understood, is not a feeling. It is a decision — made, often, before the feeling catches up, and sometimes made repeatedly over time as the wound reasserts itself. It is the decision to stop allowing what happened to govern what is happening now. It does not require the other person's participation or awareness. It does not require that the relationship be restored. It does not require that you ever see or speak to the person who caused the harm. It is entirely an interior act, and it is done not for them but for yourself — for the freedom, the energy, the psychological space that unforgiveness is currently occupying.

There is also the matter of forgiving ourselves, which is often harder and less discussed. The mistakes we have made. The ways we have fallen short of who we wanted to be. The things we said or did not say, did or did not do, that we return to with a regularity that long ago ceased to be productive. Self-forgiveness is not self-excuse. It does not claim that the thing was fine or without consequence. It simply applies to yourself the same mercy you would, at your best, extend to another person who was genuinely sorry and genuinely trying to do better.

What are you carrying that has a name? How long have you been carrying it? What would it cost to put it down — not to forget it, not to excuse it, but simply to decide that it has had enough of your present life, and that you would like your present life back?

Put down what you no longer need to carry. The distance you can cover without that weight may astonish you.

Note: The above image and article were generated using AI tools. Thank you for reading Daily Refreshing! 🌱